Aching, Isolated, Vermin Winchesters
by The-Turducken-Affairs
Summary: It's love. In its own way, this is a story of family. It's twisted and angry and always there- brothers, sons, and father. Through the good, the bad, and the dangerous, they are Winchesters. (My take on the boys' relationship and the family dynamic) Warnings and spoilers alerts told in chapter. Also: weechesters!
1. Mommy Burns on the Ceiling

**Disclaimer: Supernatural. No.**

**A/N: Hey guys! Here's a new story. It's going to chronicle the days of the Winchesters from the death of Mary and onward. Each chapter is a short (like, super short) one-shot.**

**Read, review, enjoy!**

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(.rebirth)

He's not sure if he would call it love so much as self-preservation.

Sam and Dean, well, they aren't ordinary. They have this relationship like fire, because that's where it started.

**wWw**

_[Dean is young. He was holding a football in his hands just hours before, and now he's melting. The house is on fire and the heat prickles against his skin but he looks the same, there are no marks._

_He swears it's so hot he's dying. _

_He's got this bundle in his arms, a baby that is a third of his size and he should be too heavy a load for Dean. But the baby just leans into Dean's chest. Like they're melting, but they're melting together. And when they reach outside, the air blows them cold, solidifying their molten forms back to life and as one.]_


	2. After Mommy Dies

**Disclaimer: Supernatural isn't mine.**

**A/N: I hope you all (y'all?) like it! **

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(.mourning)

The days go by like smoke. So full, billowing around you and entirely too intense, and then gone, dwindling away and far behind.

**wWw**

_[And this is how the second year of Sammy's life is- erratic and painful, a disjointed family. Because there has been tragedy and trauma already and everything is changed. _

_Daddy is gone most nights and Dean toddles, since he really is all of five years old, around as the man of the house. He gives Sam most of the food, changes diapers and worries about money. He doesn't remember what a full night sleep is._

_Even so, Dean looks at Sam like he's the most important thing in the universe, and he might as well be. Because Sam is saved; a testament of their mother's lasting love. Because Sam so tiny and their father is so absent and Dean can still remember how the tears sizzled off Sam's face over a year ago._

_Dean watches Sam, his face cutting through hazy days._

_Because, when it comes down to it, the days spell out their names.]_


	3. Most Nights, John is Out

**Disclaimer: Supernatural is not mine. **

**A/N: (**Psst. Hi!**)**

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(.way of living)

They're left alone again, poster children of neglect but ignorance fades away the burn. They have each other; they are the only two people in the world.

**wWw**

_[It's hard to miss a father that's never there and Dean is almost certain the only word Sam will ever know is 'Dean.' _

_Sam is growing up in poverty and homeless, but he's still so eager. He must think this is how the world is build- lights off and hiding, musty carpets and chained down remotes. Moreover, Dean isn't entirely sure that Sam recognizes the idea of people, because he walks right by everyone if Dean doesn't hold his hand._

_Last week, Dad stayed with them for over a day and he tried to hold Sam's hand on the way to dinner- Dean is the one Sam's chubby little fingers reach for though.]_


	4. John Faces the Supernatural

**Disclaimer: *sigh***

**A/N: That's right, John's (the ruggedly handsome papa bear... wait, that's not what you guys call him in your minds?) POV is in this story too!**

**Warning: Daddy W. uses the 'damn' word.**

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(.discovery)

They say the truth is out there if you open your eyes. They say only tinfoil nut jobs believe in everything and John will drink to that. But his eyes are open now.

**wWw**

_[Mary died, bleeding and ignoring gravity. It's that simple. John may be a man of practicality and military sensibility, but when you find out the whole world is tilted backwards, what you accept as reality has to change._

_Because, it turns out, that there are (in order of discovery) psychics and ghosts and demons and monsters. It could be overwhelming, like when you realize the enemy has surrounded you and half of your men are already gunned down, but John cuts through the fear and the worry. It won't help, that's for damn sure, and survival is all about facing facts and taking control. _

_The fact is, John now sleeps with a revolver and a bag of salt on the nightstand. The fact is, control comes from dusty books on lore and occultist sigils and adopting the dying language of Latin._

_The fact is, there was a demon in Sam's room that night and the world turns a shade darker.]_


	5. Dean goes to Kindergarten

**Disclaimer: Hold on, let me check! ... ... ... NOPE, STILL NOT MINE!**

**A/N: So, my goal is to write these in a mostly linear timeline order, but some of the chapters overlap or double back. For example, Chapter 2 says Dean is five, which means he should definitely be in Kindergarten, but Kindergarten isn't being mentioned till now. **

**Soooo... General time periods/lines will most definitely be followed, but details won't necessarily be in a guaranteed order of technically, super exact order. Sorry...**

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(.troubled)

When you're a warrior, it's hard to sit still. You want to feel your heart racing and the excitement of being alive and the awe that comes with realizing you become a weapon when your hand turns into a fist. When you're a warrior, kindergarten is so not the place for you.

**wWw**

_[John says they're never to mention this outside of the family, but Dean almost didn't make it through kindergarten. The whole thing was a sketchy situation with a capital 'S' right from the start._

_First, John is sidetracked by a case in Idaho. Not for the first time, John has to thank what good graces are left on Earth that he met Pastor Jim. If not for him, John's almost certain his kids would be in a ditch, forgotten until the adrenaline and anger and alcohol cleared his system. And isn't that just pathetic?_

_But Pastor Jim was there, John got to make a claim for being responsible, and Dean was enrolled into school._

_That could have been it too, punishing thoughts of swallowed guilt and a kindly caretaker who has a knack for filling out school enrollment forms, except that Dean is not an ordinary boy._

_He knows about the things that go bump in the night and he's wily. _

_The teacher calls him troubled after the first day when attendance takes place and Dean says, "What was that babe?"- a mix of Dean's own nature and John's, definitely poorly hidden, permissive humor. And that is just the start._

_From there, it's a delicate balance of prodding Dean into behaving and switching school's halfway through the year (and that is the part they especially don't talk about. Sufficed to say, Dean will not be allowed anywhere near ropes, paint, and frogs for many years to come.)._

_In the end, through nothing short of tribulation on everyone's part, Dean does make in through Kindergarten. Pastor Jim says he will pray for Dean to pass the next 11 years of schooling as well.]_


	6. Sam Stays Home

**Disclaimer: Alas, the ownership of Supernatural eludes me still.**

**A/N: This is a partner piece to "****Dean goes to Kindergarten" because, I imagine, that Sam has feelings on Dean being gone for hours at a time.**

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(.changes)

And you've had it easy so far. There's been a blissful naivety, because you thought he was the world. But he leaves you, every day for unending hours at a time, and you learn the world is not so simple.

**wWw**

_[When daddy drops him and Dean off, there is a man that stays with them. Dean says it'll be fun, because daddy got them a playmate, but Sam's not too sure. He looks up, up, up, and the face there is shadowed by light. So Sam cries and when that is over, he waits._

_Here, Dean will not let him play with forks or sprinkle salt onto the carpet. He says something about it being rude, but all Sam hears is, 'no,' and he thinks Dean doesn't want him anymore. So he screams and tears fall. _

_Dean holds him close, saying, "it's okay, I'm here, I'll always be here". _

_Sam doesn't understand much (__yet__), but he knows that's a promise. Sam giggles._

_Eventually- Dean says it's been two days (whatever that means)- Sam decides the man is okay and offers him a clump of dirt. The man laughs and says, "Thank you Sam." _

_This goes on for what he's told is a month. To Sam, a month means different games and rules with Dean right next to him. _

_-w-w-w-_

_Everything around Sam is always changing and that's okay, until one day it isn't. __Dean sits next to him, grabbing his wrist and poking him, until one day he isn't. He's gone. _

_Daddy pats him on the back (too hard) and rumbles, "It's okay, Sammy. Your brother is just at school. He'll be back before you know it." _

_But all Sam can do is sob, because it's not just him and Dean anymore.]_


	7. In Which John and Sam Bond

**Disclaimer: I'll give you a hint: *not* ... Not mine, guys.**

**A/N: Thanks for the support and interest so far guys! **

**Enjoy! :)**

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(.first step)

And you've known him all his life. You were there for that first restless night, holding him tight because he is yours. You've driven around the country solving the mystery of his burning nursery. You've watched him change, learning to walk and speaking words. But standing in front of him now, he looks at you with the eyes of a stranger and you realize you don't really know him at all.

**wWw**

_[Children are hard. He discovers this when Dean is suddenly off finger painting or whatever the hell kindergarten is comprised of these days._

_John had thought that he could just jump right in, fill in the space left by Dean and watch Sam twirl around, hop and skip, in the exuberance only children have. Yet, Sam stands still and rigid, looking at John as if he is terribly unimpressed with what he sees._

_The stare is more penetrating than a two (and a half) year old's stare has the right to be. John is embarrassed to admit that it makes him uncomfortable. Self-conscious hands rub at his jaw line, wondering if maybe Sam would prefer if he shaves._

_But no, time to focus. Sam is there. Right there in front of John, swaying on his legs because he's a chubby kid and those legs really are too short- concentrate. The thought surfaces, 'Grow a pair; he's just a kid.'_

_John clears his throat and then says, "How's it going Sammy?"_

_And John is pretty sure most kids can't break the sound barrier when they scream.]_


	8. John's Burden

**Disclaimer: Supernatural does not belong to me.**

**A/N: So Dean is still around 5, could be 6. Just, y'know, FYI. **

**Read, enjoy, review. :)**

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(.The Truth)

And it's not enough that you know about these sorts of things. It's not enough that you hunt them and shoot them and burn them, because it's too much for one man. You're so alone in this and you've got people to protect. This carried burden is slowly sinking you.

**wWw**

_[So this is what he does._

_He drinks to dull the killer trained inside him and he smiles a tired, droopy lidded smile when his boys walk up to him. And this is enough for Dean, always so desperate for love and taking even the drunken sort. John gives Dean clumsy pats to the head and Dean surreptitiously keeps Sam out of John's range. Most likely, John is forgetting his own strength. _

_And by afternoon the next day, when enough alcohol has cleared his system, John tells Dean about The Truth. He explains what's out there and how 'safe' isn't really safe. He looks up to the sky with a grim set to his face and then, because this is what The Truth feels like, he stares at the sun._

_Dean is quiet beside John and a quick glance is enough to make John realize Dean will follow him to the ends of the earth. _

_The loyalty, wherever it came from, shines from within Dean and John sees a soldier; someone to teach, to train, to take under his wing. It gives him hope that his family can be safe.]_


	9. Dean with a Gun in his Hands

**Disclaimer: Oh this 'ol thing? I borrowed it from a friend! :)**

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(.power)

You follow his every word. He is your leader, your commander, your blood. He makes it so your world spins and you'll never say no.

**wWw**

_["Take it Dean. Hold it like you'll use it. You __will__ use it."_

_Dad stands tall behind Dean and blotches out the sun. Dean stumbles on his thoughts, because the gun is power and so much heavier than he thought. But still, this is the honor and the promise. This is important._

_Dad trusts Dean with everything now. Dad's told him about monsters, put his brother's life in his hands, always, and Dean's got the power to back that up now._

_He'll pull the trigger tonight more times than most people have even held a gun._

_Dean smile, because his future is his father's and that is love.]_


	10. The Kids are Alright

**Disclaimer: Aright, NO. Geez.**

**A/N: Chapter ten! Also, Sam's POV is going to be used more, soon.**

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(.leave)

Vengeance's pull, the battles and the blood of who you are, build walls around you. There's an edge to your voice and an anger in your movements that fills you up. The person you are is bubbling out of your skin and you can't stay here any longer.

**wWw**

_[The weeks have passed slowly. His fingers twitch, craving for the bottles of whiskey hidden in the back of the cupboard. Those are the ones he hasn't cracked open since Mary died and he's finding that he is not so well adjusted as to not feel the shocking snap of that all over again. _

_T__he fury that turns his veins to ice, so strong he might as well never have left Nam, can only hold out for so long. His control does not extend to himself. He's all sorts of jacked up._

_This easy, calm routine of domesticity has never been for him. That becomes clearer each day as he turns his home into another training ground. __The training has worked though. He's taught Dean enough to ease his wariness (panic). __Dean's a soldier through and through, by instinct and by inheritance. John saw the look in his eyes when he fired that sawed-off. _

_Dean can keep them safe and it helps that Sam is Dean's shadow. __Dean will miss John, but Dean's capable and John knows Sam wouldn't notice if he never laid eyes on John again._

_So he can shed this calm now, his shaky control of self, and hunt. That's where he belongs after all- the front line of his family, shooting danger and tracking demons. _

___John steps over the line of salt and, luggage in hand, walks out the front door._]


	11. Dean is Purple Skin

**Disclaimer: Supernatural isn't mine. **

**Warning: I don't want to spoil this, so just keep in mind that this touches on a serious issue.**

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(.regret)

You've spent your time looking elsewhere as he comes undone. But you see now- the sallow stretch of skin, the vicious squints towards others, that readied stance that comes from very few things. You've been graced with not often seeing this, but you know the odds are against a kid like him.

**wWw**

_["__My dad loves me__." _

_He says it with such conviction the teacher's skin crawls. __She almost wishes she had a love like that, with such earnest promise, but then she remembers:_

_He came to school with bruises on his arm and a tooth that fell out a little too quick._

_Yesterday was such a different day, as he bragged about a tooth that was just starting to wiggle and he held hands with the tallest girl in class. She shared her lunch with him and the teacher hadn't thought a thing about it._

_Bet she should have thought it through, because the regret stings like she imagines his father's failure against his skin did. _

_Because it must have been going on for too long when all the signs are there. _

_Because he's moved more times than the teacher who's over thirty years and a span of four homes old._

_Because the light in his eyes is still alive, but not for what it could be for- they shine from tears and defense of an absentee father, but he couldn't even look the tallest girl with a big heart and lunch bag in the eyes._

_And all of the things the teacher could have done run down a list as long as her hair, but she knows the kid's made his choice when the next day's roster is missing one name.]_


	12. Sam will be Gandhi

**Disclaimer: Supernatural isn't mine.**

**A/N: So Dean is around 7 and Sam is around 3. Also, there is a certain someone who's keen eye for detail may allow them to notice that I'm giving them a shout out. **

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(.childhood dream)

You stumble on what he can do so easily and he just rises, up and up. He holds your father's attention and it's as if one gaze passes you while the other sees nothing but you. And for that one person who sees the world in you, you want to be anything that might make him proud. So you make a wish and squeeze your eyes, but you're still you and he is still untouchable.

**wWw**

_[He knows Dean is back, not by some sort of bonding of souls and sense of location, but because the door slams shut behind him. _

"_Dean!" Sam shrieks and Pastor Jim (a name Sam now knows, though he calls him mister church man) welcomes Dean with a bit more ease in his tone._

_All day, Dean does something that he calls 'paper pushing' and Sam wishes desperately to be part of it. Instead, he is stuck here, crowded by too tall people and boredom. _

_Dean is the sort of guy who has a smile in his pocket and a presence bigger than most. So it was easy to get caught up in adventure and not care that his view is small, that there is so much that he does not understand. Now though, Dean leaves and comes back a little smarter each day._

_Sam is falling behind. He's never not followed Dean, so he has to say it one night when Dean is sitting on his bed and looking at the ceiling._

_Sam jumps on top of Dean, shoves his face right in front of Dean and says, "I wanna be Dean!" _

_And Dean snickers, dark and incredulous, though Sam only registers that Dean is laughing. _

_Dean's voice lilts as he says, "Why do you want ta be me?"_

"_Because you know everything!" and then Sam looks away, muttering jealously, "And you're tall."_

_Snickers turn wholehearted and the words roll off of Dean's tongue, smooth and easy, "Nah. You should be someone more you're speed." And because Sam is small and sweet and Dean just learned about this guy today, Dean suggests, "How about Gandhi? The teach says he eats a lot of fruits."_

_And Sam is loyal, ever loving of anything Dean tells him, so Sam offers, in a small voice, "I like watermelon."_

_Dean cracks a lopsided smile, freckles and openness turning him seven again, and Sam beams back.]_


	13. Pastor Jim's Notions

**Disclaimer: In it's unattractive stint of stubbornness, Supernatural continues its refusal to belong to me.**

**A/N: Pastor Jim is a family friend and he made a VERY short appearance in the show. Just FYI for the not fanatics (is that even possible?).**

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(.considering)

Your mind is free and you've a power to your name, so you embrace the exiled society. Not simply your Christians and white fenced neighbors and occasional drinkers, but the truly other in nature human beings. Not all follow the same path and you love them all anyways, because humanity is the name of the game and their blood pumps life into them all the same.

**wWw**

_[To tell it like this would be to put the fantastical in terms of universal understanding and Pastor Jim has always been the sort to see in shades of human. He loves them all and watches, giving when asked and absorbing a little bit of everyone into his reverence._

_In this way, it was without a hesitancy or a doubt that he welcomed a tired, stubble-faced man who swayed on his feet and held his children like bags of groceries. __He said, "Come in," and because Pastor Jim smiles like he knows pain (because he does know pain, honest and bloody and tortured and broken), the man's fate pulled him through holy gateway._

_This is where Pastor Jim finds himself now. Navigating through the pews, a careful eye on the bibles because some of his flock are not so gentle, with a human puppy on his trail. His father may see pure and simple when he looks at this boy, but Pastor Jim sees a child bred different. He comes from his own, a family made of sweat and grease and love that comes almost accidentally (as if John is allergic to the word even though all his body does is scream it). _

_This boy will grow up different and Pastor Jim wonders where his strength will come from; there are so many places to pick from: desperation of circumstance, love of wild, reckless family, pain of loss, duty worn like morals._

_And when Sam bumps into a Pastor Jim who is lost in thought and standing amidst the pews, Jim goes back to being the simple man who is content to let questions roam free, eyes crinkling in smile towards Sam.]_


	14. John manages His Pain

**Disclaimer: Supernatural isn't mine.**

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(.comfort)

You never thought you'd cradle the bottle so lovingly. You're swimming in stinging liquor, her name upon your tongue. But the name gets cast aside when your whiskey saturated voice grates across your palate. And your mouth, the one that shaped itself around Mary's cheek- neck- lips, rounds itself around unforgiving glass. Now you're drinking more than you should.

**wWw**

_[Before Mary, before Nam, before John began to wonder why he wasn't good enough for his father to stick around, he was happy. _

_He supposes he's known happiness plenty of times and more still than others, but it's hard to hold onto that when his heart squeezes so comfortingly with the dulling of alcohol. Because it really is just a drink. A glass or a bottle, as long as he's built up a tolerance what does the count matter? _

_Childhood was a mother with love and sad eyes (and John's heard her cry for a man who's name John has never needed to know, though he does know; Henry). Then John was a soldier and stood tall through deployment and back again. Like a boomerang on fire and back home he held onto sanity, burning psyche cast aside._

_But the hope to grow into more, surpass the expected and a mother's legacy, died with Mary. He can't see a family affected by happy normalcy any longer when he haunts them with his own sad eyes._

_And he's got no one to whisper away the nightmares or handle the gun smoke in his soul. And there are no hands pulling him away from the front door on his worst nights. And he just wants to hold his wife more time, but not let go this time._

_When it hurts so much, does John really have to pretend he's alright?_

_The bottle pours sweet nothings down his throat and at this point, he'll take what he can get.]_


	15. Everybody's a Critic

**Disclaimer: Supernatural ain't mine.**

**A/N: Sam's around 3 or 4. Basically, he's still not in school yet.**

**Read, enjoy, review! :)**

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(.different)

Until now, this has been it. Because your world is like a box and all you've faced is family. But you're starting to see the whole world now. You're starting to realize you're not alone with your thoughts. It may have never occurred to you before, but all you can see now is this. You're different.

**wWw**

_[Sam has been surrounded by love- confusing and passing though it sometimes is- and is opening under it._

_He learns to talk, Dean's name quick to fall out of him when he finds the noises he made as a baby burning into purpose. He learns to walk, no hesitation in his trembling legs and flailing arms, and gasps and giggles and snorts all the while. He learns about ideas- religion and intelligence and family and then more from there._

_He's becoming a person and everything is so exciting._

_Again, he learns more._

_This time the lesson is judgment. Not that he knows this is the word, but he can recognize it easy now. Because he is wobbling after Dean, freshly escaped from church man's grasp and his knees are covered in sand, his clothes are big and holey, and his hair is knots and bowl shaped._

_He hears laughing then. Time slows down as a big, yellow thing shudders with the sound he thought meant joy._

_For a moment he could still think that, but a quick look at Dean is enough to imprint his memory with the knowledge of wrongness. Sam is confused, feels something he later will call shame, and tears burble up._

_The long, growing moment of wrong lingers long after Dean climbs up into the laughing machine, and Sam is left alone without the shelter of family to tell him it's all good._

_Time speeds up and for the first time in his life, Sam thinks, "I'm different, aren't I?"]_


	16. John Goes Hunting

This is part of the **The-Turducken-Affairs' Mini Writing Extravaganza**, a self-proclaimed writing event in which I've dedicated this Saturday (actually, only part of it, because I did end up having to do things. Ew. Things.) to writing Supernatural stuff. I've written updates for four preexisting stories and wrote a new one shot! Hooray?

**Disclaimer: Supernatural ain't mine.**

**Warning: A few swears (on implied).**

**A/N: FNG is insulting slang used in the Vietnam war, standing for "effing new guy." **

**Also, thanks for the follows, favorites, and reviews guys! It is always so appreciated! :D**

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**(.shifter)**

So maybe you're not experienced. Maybe you've been bumbling along in the dark so long you were surprised to find a rose-colored blindfold over your eyes and double knotted in the back. Maybe yesterday you did think those flaring eyes on video were just a camera glitch. But maybe you really don't give a damn because you've been running with danger and crawling beside the dead for too long to wonder if your opinion is the most qualified. Maybe you're going to hunt a monster tonight.

**wWw**

_[John's been in this business going on two years now. _

_Still, it doesn't give him much of a name and hunters tread around him with the care afforded the woefully incompetent and newborn foals (Not that John is comparable to either of these things, but hunters seem have a tick in their brains and loner written into their DNA). _

_He's been hitting the books on an almost daily basis, well versed in so many more types of monsters and ghosts and demons (oh my) than he'll ever be able to hunt in real life. _

_In real life, his main dealings have been with ghosts and whispers of demons. The two seem vaguely similar in an ethereal way and he figures hunting ghosts might be a good way to get him used to hunting what looks human, what has powers more akin to Marvel's guide to superpowers than anything else, and he's more likely to get out alive when he hunts alone._

_But tonight- He was two towns over and heard the big city an hour was going crazy. Siblings are killing siblings. One mother walked in on her almost grown daughter leering over the all too still body of her youngest. And well, it just doesn't sit right with John._

_So here he is, with a hunter he met two hours ago (He's none too close to stupid, he ain't going in alone when he really is the FNG on this one) and now a firm handshake trades their trust in lifetimes. _

_They will hunt together- tracking, tricking, killing. And this monster will fall to iron.]_


	17. Sam Gets an Owie

This is also part of **The-Turducken-Affairs' Writing Mini Extravaganza**. Hooray?

* * *

**Disclaimer: Supernatural ain't mine.**

**Warning: Dean uses the h-e- double hockey sticks word. I know he's young, but it seems like something he might still use/think of considering that John is his dad.**

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(.ouch)

Scraping skin, scraping odds, this is what you feel. He is running and you are running and then you're stopped. Be it gravity or roots or shoelaces, something blocks your way and now you've tumbled. Look down. See that? It's a cut- filled with blood and dirt and it _hurts_.

**wWw**

_[Sam is on the ground, a tangle of dirt and ripped up pants. He takes these big, gasping breathes- so deep he's almost croaking and Dean is starting to worry, because it sounds like the air won't go down Sam's pipe._

_They look at each other. Sam looks at Dean with wide, almost glowing eyes. Dean looks at Sam with a face all twisted up in fear and the urge to pretend it's all good. _

_Between the force of their gazes, it feels like it's been still silence forever._

_Then the moment is gone. _

_Sam's lip quivers, the almost glow of his eyes turns to shed tears, and he is __screaming__, shrill and loud. It's so loud it's almost like the scream is shifting sound waves; climbing between universes or something that could give a preferable explanation as to how this is possible, rather than the simple fact that Sam has the ability to make that kind noise._

_Amidst holy terror of pterodactyl like howling, Dean, always a brother and protector, rushes over, sacrificing eardrums and wading through noise so loud it makes the space around Sam seem thick as Jello. _

_Dean mutters, "It's okay Sammy, it's okay. It's just a cut," all while rubbing Sam's back and poking around the scraped up knee._

_As Dean tries to rub out the dirt and leave the booboo in contact with open air, Sam's sobs turn to sniffles and a couple of escaped hiccups (I'm not a monster, I'm not going to give him full on hiccups, guys). _

_Eventually, he can breathe enough to look at Dean and say, "Kiss it better, D'n?"_

_And Dean's mind flies with questions of 'why me' and 'where the hell did he learn about that', but still, he's no match to what he's beginning to learn is Sam's unbeatable puppy dog eyes. He rolls his eyes and leans in.]_


	18. Dean Gets an Owie

**Disclaimer: Supernatural ain't mine.**

**Warning: Dean uses the Hell word again.**

**A/N: Thanks for the support/interest!**

**Read, enjoy, review! :)**

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(.ho hum)

You're just plodding along, doing what you've always done, when one moment out of hundreds of insignificant moments changes your brain (just a little). Because it's either this or that and tiny things and thoughts line up like planets and it is an _event_. Cosmic.

**wWw**

_[Dean does not actually remember how it happened, but now he's sporting a bloody knee the shape of Texas and he's looking at it like he can put his lily livered skin back in place with a single look. Of course, there are all sorts of universal laws, so the scrape remains and there is a spreading sting across his knee._

"_Oh my! Dean, come over here. I'll walk you to the clinic and we can bandage that right up for you!"_

_Right. School. Dean knows he's usually not all too 'with it' when he's at this dump, but he's still surprised when he hears the teach calling out to him. _

_He thinks, 'What the hell? It's just a scratch,' but walks over to her because he's been learning how not to stick out (That's one of the things Dad has been working on with him when Dad comes back from a hunt.)._

_They make their merry way to the clinic and she's awfully touchy feely on the way there, talking about how brave Dean is. _

"_Brave?"_

"_Yeah. Honey, that's a pretty nasty scrape, but you're still not crying. You're not even complaining! Your Dad must so proud to have a kid as tough as you."_

_Kid?_

_He never thought about it that way, but suddenly it hits him. __Oh__.]_


	19. John Dreams of Mary

**Disclaimer: Supernatural isn't mine.**

* * *

(.Mary)

You blink and she's gone. She was there for so long and absolutely, you won't believe in anything if she isn't there. So she stays with you, a ghost on your shoulder. For now though, you dream.

**wWw**

_[He closes his eyes to blurry images. _

_Because he is so drunk, because he cannot believe in __this__ (and it all so cold and hard, filled with lurking fear of the unimaginable and how is anything real anymore?), it is a dream more than it is a memory he sees._

_Mary is beautiful. _

_What he sees is what makes a person. He sees her spirit, bogged down by sweet and gentle though it is. He sees her looks, a lot like his, but she can handle her own secrets better than he ever has._

_And he does not see so much as believe in this unspeakable link between the two of them. Like magic and like love and like everything he always felt was too good to be true (though now he sees it as the only truth)._

_He cannot explain it, but she looks like gold._

_When he opens his eyes again, he is so sure she'll be there. All he has to do is wait.]_


	20. Passing on a Legacy

**Disclaimer: Supernatural isn't mine.**

* * *

(.step by step)

He is still your father. Even though he leaves you on the steps of a church, rarely looking back, he is yours. Because he always comes back to you. Because he remembers your brother and wants him safe, teaching you how to do just that. Because he passes on what he knows, and isn't that what fathers do?

**wWw**

_[Dad comes back, tired and staggering most times, and Dean is always the first to reach him. Sometimes Pastor Jim will be there too, or Sam if it is not too late, but usually it is too late and so it is just Dean._

_And Dad is often wrecked. His breath is heavy with the sting of __something__ and his hands travel Dean- patting his head, squeezing his shoulders- just to make sure Dean is there. And Dean does not know if this is Dad's mind running or the funny drink, but Dean always wants to make it better._

_He'll say, "It's okay, Dad. I took good care of Sammy."_

_Dad doesn't say thank you (he doesn't have to), but he gives Dean his attention._

_Dad stares at Dean with a usually hidden softness, but Dean guesses there are times where an exception is made. Dean only sees this on nights when Dad is raw from The Truth and hunts._

_It is when Dad remembers that he is not just a soldier, or a purpose, that he will give Dean the most special things, the passing down of namesake; Winchester._

_One time, he taught Dean how to pick a lock. Another time, he showed Dean how to polish a gun._

_Tonight, Dad says, "We'll fix up the Impala together. Tomorrow." _

_Then, they sit there for a while, Dean close enough to his father to feel his body heat.]_


	21. Sam Learns the Name

**Disclaimer: Supernatural ain't mine.**

* * *

(.moving on)

The losses weigh them down, but it's not until you were dragged further away, your vision tunneling what was everything you knew into memories, that you bear losses too.

**wWw**

_[Dean plays with Sam, but his focus isn't there. Sam prays with church man, but the words seem harder, like these ones will need to last. Daddy makes his way back, taking Dean with him to the 'range' out back, without Sam._

_And it's all going cockeyed- Sam's left alone and people are acting weird; like, something'll happen soon._

_Something- Daddy drags them away. _

_Maybe he explains why, maybe he doesn't. Sam can't tell over the sounds of his own sobs. _

_He's seeing change again, but he was too young to remember before, so it feels new. _

_He screams for church man, for his bed, for the action figure Dean left in the sofa. Doesn't matter. Because change is all in the name and he's learning it now._

_Then Dean's hand, cold and clammy, squeezes Sam's, but nothing's better. _

_Sam doesn't know what's going to happen next.]_


	22. Wandering Geography

**Disclaimer: Supernatural ain't mine.**

* * *

(.homeless)

You will spread roots across the country, being the wisps of memory and the saviors of people (individual, significant persons with lives to live and families to hold). For now though, you are drifting, lost and alone and you realize that nothing lasts.

**wWw**

_[Even though Pastor Jim had been there often enough to feel like family, he is not the promise. Because the Winchesters will never settle down and he is not one (he has roots, an always place to be). _

_As of now, it is that Sam and Dean are plopped into motel room after motel room, waiting on a father who is hunting, who will "Be back tonight. Or at latest, tomorrow morning." So, that is that._

_Sometimes though, John needs longer, so he turns to others, giving his children away a little bit at a time._

_First, it is neighbors while he grieves. Then it is Pastor Jim, countless times and Sam comes to remember four names, instead of three (Dean, Dad, and his own). Later, it is Dean watching over himself and Sam._

_Always though, there is a tension, a ready to run feeling vibrating under skin. Because he knows this now._

_Nothing lasts.]_


End file.
